Did anyone ever say that life would be what we expected it to be? That is always the hardest part... not knowing what to expect. Last week I went on my first support trip and I had no idea what to expect. I have these recollections of traveling in our copper stationwagon for hours on end.
As an adult I was extremely pumped to learn that these trips are little about me, and more about what God can do through me. When I learned that these trips are about building into people and being able to do ministry, my whole perspective was changed. I love people, and I love being able to serve. This year I have been serving with the Children's ministry at my church and for the first time I felt what it meant to truely enjoy serving. Not for the notariety, or because I felt obligated. Serving becomes joy. When I am able to lighten someone elses load, or just listen as they pour out their frustrations. I am able to make a parent's day go smoother as they rush into church already 15 minutes late and I am able to deliver their children to the appropriate place.
Sometimes I feel so needy as I go about this process. I need support, contacts, a place to stay, etc. But when the focus comes off of me and on to how can I serve it seems to make the entire situation joyful.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Love/Hate is a Fine Line
Although grief and death is not new to me, this weekend my Grandmother (Julie Colton) passed away. I has been years since I have been able to see her since she has been living outside of Washington D.C. in a nursing home that specializes in Altzhiemers patients. She was a woman who was not easy to deal with, and there were times when I wondered if there was any line at all between love and hate.
I knew in my mind that I loved her because she was my grandmother, but her actions infuriated my easily provocted teenaged mind. Now those of you who are freaking out right now thinking, "How dare she talk about her grandmother like that!" please hold off judgment. This was my battle for the last 15 or so years of my life. My mind constantly told me, "How dare I!" The Bible tells us that to hate your brother in your heart is the same as killing him (as far as how God sees the sin). So my internal battle raged: Love my neighbor as myself.
Julie was 85 when she passed away, an immigrant from Beirut, Lebanon, she had seen more of the world than most. She fled civil war only to land in a country where surely her spiritual battle continued. She bore one child, who in my estimation is the best child ever (love you Mom). She lived most of her adult life alone. So what is not to love. So much of her, is me. I identify so strongly with the Arab side of me, and my move to the United States happened at a similar age. So to love this woman as myself, I must think how I would like to be loved despite all of my short commings.
Death is never easy to deal with, but I was not expecting this uncharted territory for me. I no longer doubt that I love her, although I know that line is thin. Is it that I have grown as a person. Is this me being the bigger person. Probably not... I rarely am. I am really hopeful because of the fact that I can love someone who is outside of my realm of "like." Maybe someday I will be able to love everyone as myself, but for now, I will start with my Grammie.
I knew in my mind that I loved her because she was my grandmother, but her actions infuriated my easily provocted teenaged mind. Now those of you who are freaking out right now thinking, "How dare she talk about her grandmother like that!" please hold off judgment. This was my battle for the last 15 or so years of my life. My mind constantly told me, "How dare I!" The Bible tells us that to hate your brother in your heart is the same as killing him (as far as how God sees the sin). So my internal battle raged: Love my neighbor as myself.
Julie was 85 when she passed away, an immigrant from Beirut, Lebanon, she had seen more of the world than most. She fled civil war only to land in a country where surely her spiritual battle continued. She bore one child, who in my estimation is the best child ever (love you Mom). She lived most of her adult life alone. So what is not to love. So much of her, is me. I identify so strongly with the Arab side of me, and my move to the United States happened at a similar age. So to love this woman as myself, I must think how I would like to be loved despite all of my short commings.
Death is never easy to deal with, but I was not expecting this uncharted territory for me. I no longer doubt that I love her, although I know that line is thin. Is it that I have grown as a person. Is this me being the bigger person. Probably not... I rarely am. I am really hopeful because of the fact that I can love someone who is outside of my realm of "like." Maybe someday I will be able to love everyone as myself, but for now, I will start with my Grammie.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Connecting
I have never much had an issue with connecting. They tell me that third-culture kids (those of us who grow up overseas) over connect, we share too much. But somehow when it comes to this process, I become more timid than I have ever been. What is it about connecting that scares us. Me specifically. If I am afraid of rejection, I remember that I didn't even know this person 24 hours before and will not miss their friendship... harsh but true. If it is making the other person uncomfortable, than I have to remember that I didn't even know this person 24 hours before and don't matter enough in their world to make that much of an impact. If it is my own discomfort then I have a problem. Am I not who I thought I was. This week, I read a passage in Hebrews that I never thought would apply to me. In Hebrews 12:12 it says, "Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." The passage is talking about God disciplining His children through hardships and something about that seemed to strike a chord with me.
Anyone who has ever been victem to one of my back hands (I'm sorry) knows that I am not a feeble armed kind of person. I help pick others up. I am the defender-of-the-younger-sister, and the stiff-backbone-of-the-newer-teacher. So where is God showing me that I am in need of stregnthening? Where can I look for the extra brace. I know that God is teaching me to refocuse my world to one that does not revolve around me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Hope for Valentine's Day
When I just don't feel like making any more phone calls I like to sit and watch the cars go down Halsted street. That would be how my whole weekend felt. I forced myself at first to ignore the traffic and write my emails and make my phone calls. But in the low point (Valentine's Day) a friend of mine called and asked if I wanted to take a few hours and go to a food pantry that my small group has served at. From noon to 2:00 every Saturday, a wonderful 75 year-old Cuban man named "Rev" serves the community of Little Village from the back room of a run down store front. Families who live in the community can come once a month and get a large box filled with food for their families. Rev's motto is "No one leaves empty handed."
This Saturday, when we arrived at Liberty (the name of the pantry), we found Rev on his own trying to climb the foot stool and fill the box for his first family. Now, Rev has a lot of energy, but this is a task that even hurts my back after a while. The look of gratitude on his face was enough for my Valentine's Day. We were able to serve at least eight families that afternoon. One woman had never been there before and she couldn't believe how much food we were able to bless her with. I left that afternoon with my heart full of love. I don't enjoy Valentine's day much since living in the US. It seems so forced and exclusive.
My day at Liberty reminded me why we serve. Why I serve. I may feel inadequate and tired. But I have been given hope. I have hope that most people only dream of. It is not job security or a loving spouse. It is more than food and a warm bed. I know who I am because of God. I know that I am watched after. There may not have been any time to share the gospel on Saturday, but just speaking kindly and looking those mothers in the eye was enough. It was the remedy I needed to be able to return to calling and emailing, and it was enough for them to be able to return home with dignity.
This is what we are being called to; to serve with what we have. I had two hours, but I was blessed more than I can tell you.
This Saturday, when we arrived at Liberty (the name of the pantry), we found Rev on his own trying to climb the foot stool and fill the box for his first family. Now, Rev has a lot of energy, but this is a task that even hurts my back after a while. The look of gratitude on his face was enough for my Valentine's Day. We were able to serve at least eight families that afternoon. One woman had never been there before and she couldn't believe how much food we were able to bless her with. I left that afternoon with my heart full of love. I don't enjoy Valentine's day much since living in the US. It seems so forced and exclusive.
My day at Liberty reminded me why we serve. Why I serve. I may feel inadequate and tired. But I have been given hope. I have hope that most people only dream of. It is not job security or a loving spouse. It is more than food and a warm bed. I know who I am because of God. I know that I am watched after. There may not have been any time to share the gospel on Saturday, but just speaking kindly and looking those mothers in the eye was enough. It was the remedy I needed to be able to return to calling and emailing, and it was enough for them to be able to return home with dignity.
This is what we are being called to; to serve with what we have. I had two hours, but I was blessed more than I can tell you.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Get a Real Job?
How many times have we all said that it would be great to quit our jobs and travel the world? Besides one person, everyone else I know has never actually really followed through. So wonder why I would turn down 
my stable job in the public school system and decide to do this? For those of you who haven't heard, the new Secretary of Education, and former CEO of Chicago Public Schools implemented a new program called Turn-Around. This is when they remove all the faculty from an under-performing school and rehire. Well, as my former school was placed in this position, I began searching for what my next move was.
I am learning the God's plan is usually that exact thing that you thought you would NEVER do. As I began looking into what I was qualified and passionate about, I came across the concept of humanitarian aid. Qualifications: willing hand, strong stomach, and a desire to travel. Check. Passion: What could possibly combine my love of international experience with my interest in healing the city? Could it be...
As God opened and closed doors to the multitude of opportunities out there, I decided to research how Campus Crusade handled humanitarian aid. As I began to read about GAiN, a peace really fell over me. I never thought I would join staff. But for the first time I was excited by the prospect. Asking people to partner with me on this journey seem simple. I could do it!
Now in my moments of weakness, many of you have heard my mouth say the exact opposite, but thank-you for correcting me. Even writing this entry has helped me to remember that excitement that I felt when I saw how God had uniquely prepared me for this. As difficult as I have truly found this processe to be, I am more confident in where I am going than I have ever been. Funny how that works.
my stable job in the public school system and decide to do this? For those of you who haven't heard, the new Secretary of Education, and former CEO of Chicago Public Schools implemented a new program called Turn-Around. This is when they remove all the faculty from an under-performing school and rehire. Well, as my former school was placed in this position, I began searching for what my next move was.I am learning the God's plan is usually that exact thing that you thought you would NEVER do. As I began looking into what I was qualified and passionate about, I came across the concept of humanitarian aid. Qualifications: willing hand, strong stomach, and a desire to travel. Check. Passion: What could possibly combine my love of international experience with my interest in healing the city? Could it be...
As God opened and closed doors to the multitude of opportunities out there, I decided to research how Campus Crusade handled humanitarian aid. As I began to read about GAiN, a peace really fell over me. I never thought I would join staff. But for the first time I was excited by the prospect. Asking people to partner with me on this journey seem simple. I could do it!
Now in my moments of weakness, many of you have heard my mouth say the exact opposite, but thank-you for correcting me. Even writing this entry has helped me to remember that excitement that I felt when I saw how God had uniquely prepared me for this. As difficult as I have truly found this processe to be, I am more confident in where I am going than I have ever been. Funny how that works.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Welcome all!
So when more than one person finally asked if I had a blog to detail what I have been up to over the last couple months, I thought it was about time. This is my first venture into this so please be patient. My hope is to keep those of you who are interested, updated on my ministry and life. I promise it will be a crazy emotional time. Please feel free to share this with anyone who may be interested in the process of raising support and/or missions. I am excited to be on this journey with God as He shows me that He is my God.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
